I have this thing for Rob Brezny’s ‘FREE WILL’ astrology horoscope in the back of the Willamette Weekly. It’s always the first page i turn to after i get my hands on the paper….
WW is more readily available near my new office so i’ve pretty much maintained a routine since the move - every Wednesday: i take my mornin’ break and walk up to my favorite little cafe – Old Lair Hill Market Cafe – and grab the paper – sometimes, i accompany the paper with an Americano – sometimes, a bagel and raspberry or strawrberry jam – sometimes, i just grab the paper and flip a bitch back to the office….which is what i did today…
you see, by Wednesday, i am so excited to find out what my new weekly reading will be that i start skimming it over as i walk - and then i re-read as i wait for the elevator to reach my floor – and again, when i sit back down at my desk – really taking it all in - (just wait for the post that i fell flat on my face because i tripped over a pine cone, or a pigeon, because i wasn’t watching where i was going….just wait….)
So today - I’m skimmin along – and I literally stopped in my tracks….
“There’s a better than even chance that you’re about to embark on a Summer of Love. To improve your odds even more, meditate on the following questions. 1. What qualities do you look for in a lover that you would benefit from developing more fully in yourself? 2. What do you think are your two biggest delusions about the way love works? 3. Is there anything you can do to make yourself more lovable? 4. Is there anything you can do to be more loving? 5. Are you willing to deal with the fact that any intimate relationship worth pursuing will inevitably evoke the most negative aspects of both partners – and require both partners to heal their oldest wounds?”
it never fails that i can find a connection between Mr. Brezny’s readings and the current thoughts cartwheeling through my head and heart….but today – today he really stripped my most current thoughts to the bone….
As with everyone that exists – i have had my fair share of hardships – love lost - heart learned – mind cracked - life turned – … Reflecting upon my past i can honestly say i wouldn’t change a thing – i’m one of those – ‘everything happens for a reason’ people….the ‘it all ties together somehow’ kind….
Needless to say, my Core – my Heart – has been beating to its own rhythm for quite some time now …. it finally found a steady beat -
……one that can sustain on its own – or….can it?
i had started to think i was self-sustainable – but the reality is that i’m not. i can’t maintain a heart of gold if it has nothing to shine for….to shine is to share -
with that being said….i’m going to mozy on over to Mr. Brezny’s five million dollar questions….
1. What qualities do you look for in a lover that you would benefit from developing more fully in yourself?
this is a big question…..so i’ll give it a big answer: a BELIEVER.
Someone who believes in me – who believes in themselves – who believes in possibility – who believes in truth – who believes in simplicity – who believes in passion – who believes in touch – who believes in talking – who believes, ‘above all things’ – in love….
….i am a believer – no doubt – the problem is - the one thing i don’t believe in just so happens to be myself….
2. What do you think are your two biggest delusions about the way love works?
1 -that i can truly love you without lovin’ me….…. that’s what it always comes down to in the end…i can’t love you if i don’t love me – or maybe i can – but it won’t ever be as good as it would if i did 
2 – if i don’t say it out loud it will just go away…. i like to be a bottle sometimes – to take all of those things (such as….the before me’s – ha.) - gather them together and slap a cork on top to keep ‘em all in the same place – problem is … i am a clear glass bottle…in that, you can see my contents – i’m not hiding anything – i’m more so just holding it all in – almost as if i’m holdin’ my breath….waiting to faint….. self-destruction at its finest….
3. Is there anything you can do to make yourself more lovable?
find that inner soul shaker – that confidence – that deep down self-love and just hug it like i would a 3-toed sloth if i ever saw one…..if i love me – how could you not? 
4. Is there anything you can do to be more loving?
listen to my heart and feel with my mind – to let them work as one unit instead of two…… to believe in the me that i am and recognize that i am good enough….as much as i choose to be my own worst enemy - i am just as capable of being my own best friend….
5. Are you willing to deal with the fact that any intimate relationship worth pursuing will inevitably evoke the most negative aspects of both partners – and require both partners to heal their oldest wounds?
not only am i willing – but i’m able…. and luckily, i found that someone that makes me want to take off that damn suffocatin’ cork and break the bottle into a thousand chards of glass –
I think i’m about ready to embark upon my Summer of Love…..starting Now. because Now is all we have….thank you Mr. Brezny…for askin. and thank you Mr. Blue Sky Eyes for believin’ – in me……now, it’s my turn….
