November 2008


On one of my walk-abouts I was on my way home and happened upon this couple getting out of their bright and shiny car….

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As I got closer I noticed that all of that shine was coming from trophy heads that they had mounted to their hood.

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…the man went into the back seat and grabbed something out which he wrapped in a towel….Taking a peak into the backseat it was only safe to assume he was about to award something…

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I continued on my way home and was pleasantly surprised when I saw them again….although I was quite confused as to what they were doing….

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then I realized….

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This waterfall has won….

 

I Love Walking. Once I start I feel like I can go forever. I love walkin’ in the city…I love walkin’ in the wild….I love walkin’ with my music….I love walkin’ with my smile…

For about 3 mos. I was staying downtown Portland. It was a great experience for me….a much needed experience, to say the least. It helped me find my walk.

I would pack my camera, leave the house and just go……no destination in mind. It’s my favorite way to walk, actually….that is, until I notice I wore the wrong shoes….

Sometimes, I do actually have set places to go…

For instance, one fine summer day I had decided to trek up to NW so I could re-stock on parachute men….i covered around 60 blocks…when I reached Everett street I was looking around, as usual, (I don’t pay attention to my footing and trip quite a bit when I walk….)  and I saw this figure in the window 4 stories up…frozen.

Frozen

So Frozen that I thought it might be a fake…..so I waited….and I watched….and then…

still

…it became real…

Real...

we had a stare off for a bit….then I went on my way. Now, every time I go by this building I look up into the window…With my luck someone will see me from the apartment one day and think I’m a peeper person. Ha.

Walkin’ off. 10-4. Over and Out. Roger that. This Walk has Landed.

The day before we give Thanks….I am swimming in a nostalgic pool of emotions…I couldn’t possibly pinpoint just one….there are many…..so many I’m not quite sure why I am even blurbbing at this moment. You blurbb when you have something to say….however, i would rather say nothing….for now anyway….i’ll get to something a little later….but for now i need to float…

I use words wrong, or better yet I make them up. I conspiratize to theorisize. For as long as I can remember I’ve been using the word stifle in place of rifle. Instead of saying….”I’ll rifle through these papers..” I say…”I’ll stifle through these papers”….in fact, I wholeheartedly believe that the definition of rifle should be the definition of stifle. It’s a better fit. Sometimes things are just a better fit. and That’s ok. People can relearn definitions. Right? We have the capabilities to build 86 story buildings…you’d think we could at least relearn a definition….

Excuse my brain, it’s a mess…I am ziggzagging sideways and backwards from where I initially wanted to go with this. To help navigate me back on track I’m going to throw in an image that will assist me in ‘stifling’ through my thoughts and feelings…the goal is to actually get to my point sometime in the near future…

Addiction

Above is a picture of a pack of American Spirit Menthols. The clear round dot like things are condensation on the inside of the cellophane wrapper. I left them outside one evening and woke to the new weathered and rugged look they had taken on. They were ‘my’ brand. Yum. They were fun. They were comfortable. They were always there in good times and bad. They balanced my inner insanities.

As great as the Spirits were they used to rule me. Own me. I would give them my money like they were creditors. I was more loyal to them than my own family. I couldn’t stand to be separated, not even for a moment. I was passionate about my addiction. No other kind would suffice….I mean…Desperate actions call for…ya…that saying…

i quit six months ago tomorrow. I didn’t even realize that until it painted across my computer screen. So…ya…6 months. it’s good…not great…but good.

Not smoking, for me, hasn’t been as big of a struggle as I presumed it would. it’s been 10 years since i started…in 2002 i quit for 4 mos and fell quickly off the camel. I didn’t realize how mellow it could be~quitting that is..it’s all in the mentality. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t easy, it just wasn’t as gut wrenching as I had anticipated.

again…excuse the mess…..I believe now would be a great time to stop floating and resume swimming…..so..here goes…

 The basis of my nostalgia is that someone recently passed away that holds a special place in my heart. More than special….this is the part that has a lock attached…that not even i have a key for. The picture above signifies so much having to do with this person. Let’s just say there are more ways for me to interpret that picture than there are dots on the pack.

In his passing I have found myself dealing with feelings of regret which has led me to the conclusion that I need to tell our story. I need to work through my thoughts. I want to embrace who he is, was, and will be….in life,  death and everything in between. I want to remember. However, i’ll do that in a place that is as secure as my hearts lock-box. Where you can’t click on a link of the Internet and find some stranger blurbbing about their Outsides In. It’s our story. One that deserves, in the least, to be told in the flesh….if told at all, aloud anyway. I’ve only shared random pages up to this point. I never really knew how to tell the whole chapter.

My deepest regret is that I didn’t allow myself to process what made our story end. I just rode it out….lost myself for a few years…then finally found the road to re-discovery…which I’m still on, 10 years later, and will continue to be for the rest of my life……Only, now that I’ve started to process everything, it’s too late. At the same time, though, I question whether I would have ever figured it out without a tragedy involved. Nonetheless, it’s devastating. As all tragedies are.

So….this is for him….

 Dear Adam,

More than anything I regret not being your friend. For running. For forgetting.

You have a piece of my heart. Always.

Let me thank you first today….for being you. for living. i wish i could know you all over again.

 c-bear056

i wish…a lot of things. most of all i wish for you to find your smile…wherever you are.

I always loved your smile…i remember it well…and with that…i am remembering….you…

The Hustle and Bustle of New York really did a Number on Me. I can’t sleep. Technically, I haven’t been able to sleep in a little over a year, so that really has nothing to do with everything and everything to do with nothing. Last year, I read a yahoo headliner that said something along the lines of, “Lack of sleep is bad for the brain….”….so….if my brain seems bad, thus is why….I just wanted to put all that in writing for documentation purposes…you know..in case i forget cause mind brain be mush…

Regardless, my head is pounding. I’m on a reversed cycle. I must have left my energy on the subway/train and I want it back….Vroooom….

P.S. I heart NY…especially since it has trouble sleeping too…

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I Heart NY

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Sub-Lit...

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Entry^Uptown

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On Track...

Passenger Bye...

Missions Possible...

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18th Street

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the Other Side....

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Exit...

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About a month ago I was convinced that walking across a train trellis at night was a clever idea. With that being said, it’s safe to assume I am not a clever person.
Obviously, I made it…
What isn’t obvious is why the feeling I had when crossing over the trellis has slowly integrated from that one un-clever moment into practical everyday normal situations.

The trellis was above the Willamette River. Which was another of the thousillionth reasons I didn’t want to drop off the track…

Going from solid track to what I would call lattice work…spaces between each board…my anxiety skyrocketed. It was the first time I’ve truly thought I was going to have a panic attack. Well…to be honest…it was the 2nd…the first time I was surrounded by Jellyfish.

I came to a point where I was in the middle of the trellis…my security was gone…the option of going back was no better than to trudge forward. My legs started shaking…My heart started beating on my chest like a punching bag…My breath became short….I was…trapped.

All the while I knew what I was doing..I was talking myself into something that wasn’t real. I was fine. I could run and skip and hop over each board without touching the gravel when there was solid ground…but without the solidity in between my steps I froze.

I thought I was going to fall….Not die…just fall…into the unknown. I had two ways to go and I wanted neither. I wanted to start over.

My buddy attempted to calm me down by telling me I was “ok”…i replied with a grand “shut the fuck up”….his kind hearted method only made matters worse…i couldn’t hear myself talk myself out of thinking…

Once I made it back to ground level my same friend asked me, “Don’t you feel better now that you made it? ….like you accomplished something?” my reply was, “No. Absolutely not. That was horrible and I never want to feel that again.” and I don’t.

Trainspotting...

Trainspotting...

However, to make a long story longer….Since then I’ve had a few occasions where the feeling has resurfaced. Both were recently on my voyage to and fro New York.

After my first episode I learned two very valuable lessons:

One: Don’t wait to piss if you’re in New York. Go if you gotta. There is no “I can wait till later” in this city….this is not the type of place that everything happens in an instant. Everyone is fast paced, yes, that’s because they’re all trying to catch up for being stuck, slowed down, trapped…whateveryouwannacallit. There is so much going on and so many people that it never stops….but it will stop you-like a fly on fly paper…suddenly you can’t move cause there ain’t nowherez to go. Don’t be fooled.

Two: De-layer. It may be cold as a mother brother outside…but once you are inside if you don’t de-layer you will die. Do not die because you didn’t de-layer.

I was cram packed in the back of a 2 door car going down Time Square…we were the only car that wasn’t a cab. Completely Cluster Fucked. Grid Locked. No Good. I had to pee, not to mention I hadn’t even considered taking off 20 of my 30 coats, scarves, arm warmers, hoodies or head thingy-ma-bobs before getting into the car.

I was hot. I was, once again, trapped. I was quietly trying to tell myself it would end. I was afraid to ask how long it would be before it did-end. I was at the point I would rather not know. What if I was told an hour? I just closed my eyes. Breathed Deeply. Let the lights distract me. Let the people redirect me. Re-focused my attention. Then it was over….just. like. that. In a New York minute…no wonder they have their own minutes….a lot can go down. and so little. all at once.

The 2nd situation was completely manifested by my own insane brain. I was on the first plane coming back home. It was a 4 hour flight to Denver….then 2 hour layover and another 2 hour flight back to Oregon…it was just the beginning.

The airline played some wickedly cheesy movie where people become trapped in a cave-something “In the Middle of the Earth”…seriously-super supreme cheesed movie….

immediately my mind started racing…over the duration of the movie i started to get hot…i started to feel claustrophobic…..i was on this plane and i had nowhere to go…the only thing i could do was talk myself out of it…i had let a brendan frasier movie take over my mind…what the what??  i put my headphones on and closed my eyes….i focused on music that related to stories to find my chi again….fucking brendan frasier. Who would’ve thunk it…..

I love planes. I love flying. I love going places. This has NEVER happened before….Even when the sky is choppy and the plane sounds like it’s about to fall apart I don’t panic. What is going on?

I noticed that quite a bit of the photography I took in New York differs from my usual style…My photos are way more raw and undefined….whereas before my trip I liked my subjects to be sharp and definitive.

I never went into the NYC expedition expecting to shift my focus, but it is clear to me that in this blur of a series what I found was that my focus shifted from what my eyes were aesthetically seeing to how my insides were actually feeling….i also have done very little, if any, editing….which is how a story should be told….

funny thing is that I had to actually feel bad to see better. Or rather, to combine seeing and feeling….I always thought that’s what I was doing ….until I actually started doing it….

This all relates. It does. Somehow. I just know it…..oh, and I’m not going crazy. I hope.

Another Dimension...
Another Dimension…
Bear Trap...
Bear Trap…
Distractions...
Distractions…
a Shift in Sight...
a Shift in Sight…

 

Guts.

Guts.

 

I’m a bit jetlagged…Reflecting back I still haven’t processed the big apple…but I sure did take me a bite out of it….
 
Canon Balls...

Canon Balls...

Lurker...
Lurker…
Take a Look at my Life..
Take a Look at my Life..
I'm a lot like You...
I’m a lot like you…
Opposites Attract...

Opposites Attract...

Escher'd...
Escher’d
Unvoided..
Unvoided..
Distorted Contorted Metaphoric Jizms...
Distorted Contorted Metaphoric Jizms…

 

 

 
I just got back from New York tonight. A lot of thoughts enter my head that could easily follow that last sentence, but I’d rather just let yours do the talking…i’ll provide the walking…for now anyway…
 
Pushin and Ponderin...

Pushin and Ponderin...

Gurus of the East...
Gurus of the East…

 

 
Diagonal Dimensions...

Diagonal Dimensions...

Night Lights..
Night Lights..
... Walking with Work ...

... Walking with Work ...

 

Weathered n Blue...
Weathered n Blue…
City Aisles..
City Aisles..
 
iNtOxiCAtEd....
iNtOxiCAtEd….
Between the Lines..
Between the Lines..

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