My Lessons


I have this thing for Rob Brezny’s ‘FREE WILL’ astrology horoscope in the back of the Willamette Weekly. It’s always the first page i turn to after i get my hands on the paper….

WW is more readily available near my new office so i’ve pretty much maintained a routine since the move – every Wednesday:  i take my mornin’ break and walk up to my favorite little cafe – Old Lair Hill Market Cafe – and grab the paper – sometimes, i accompany the paper with an Americano – sometimes, a bagel and raspberry or strawrberry jam – sometimes, i just grab the paper and flip a bitch back to the office….which is what i did today…

you see, by Wednesday, i am so excited to find out what my new weekly reading will be that i start skimming it over as i walk – and then i re-read as i wait for the elevator to reach my floor – and again, when i sit back down at my desk – really taking it all in – (just wait for the post that i fell flat on my face because i tripped over a pine cone, or a pigeon, because i wasn’t watching where i was going….just wait….)

So today – I’m skimmin along – and I literally stopped in my tracks….

“There’s a better than even chance that you’re about to embark on a Summer of Love. To improve your odds even more, meditate on the following questions. 1. What qualities do you look for in a lover that you would benefit from developing more fully in yourself? 2. What do you think are your two biggest delusions about the way love works? 3. Is there anything you can do to make yourself more lovable? 4. Is there anything you can do to be more loving? 5. Are you willing to deal with the fact that any intimate relationship worth pursuing will inevitably evoke the most negative aspects of both partners – and require both partners to heal their oldest wounds?”

it never fails that i can find a connection between Mr. Brezny’s readings and the current thoughts cartwheeling through my head and heart….but today – today he really stripped my most current thoughts to the bone….

As with everyone that exists – i have had my fair share of hardships – love lost – heart learned – mind cracked – life turned – … Reflecting upon my past i can honestly say i wouldn’t change a thing – i’m one of those – ‘everything happens for a reason’ people….the ‘it all ties together somehow’ kind….

Needless to say, my Core – my Heart – has been beating to its own rhythm for quite some time now …. it finally found a steady beat –

……one that can sustain on its own – or….can it?

i had started to think i was self-sustainable – but the reality is that i’m not. i can’t maintain a heart of gold if it has nothing to shine for….to shine is to share –

with that being said….i’m going to mozy on over to Mr. Brezny’s five million dollar questions….

1. What qualities do you look for in a lover that you would benefit from developing more fully in yourself?

this is a big question…..so i’ll give it a big answer: a BELIEVER.

Someone who believes in me – who believes in themselves – who believes in possibility – who believes in truth – who believes in simplicity – who believes in passion – who believes in touch – who believes in talking – who believes, ‘above all things’ – in love….

….i am a believer – no doubt – the problem is  –  the one thing i don’t believe in just so happens to be myself….

2. What do you think are your two biggest delusions about the way love works?

1 -that i can truly love you without lovin’ me….…. that’s what it always comes down to in the end…i can’t love you if i don’t love me – or maybe i can – but it won’t ever be as good as it would if i did 🙂

2 – if i don’t say it out loud it will just go away…. i like to be a bottle sometimes – to take all of those things (such as….the before me’s – ha.) –  gather them together and slap a cork on top to keep ’em all in the same place – problem is … i am a clear glass bottle…in that, you can see my contents – i’m not hiding anything – i’m more so just holding it all in – almost as if i’m holdin’ my breath….waiting to faint….. self-destruction at its finest….

3. Is there anything you can do to make yourself more lovable?

find that inner soul shaker – that confidence – that deep down self-love and just hug it like i would a 3-toed sloth if i ever saw one…..if i love me – how could you not? 😉

4. Is there anything you can do to be more loving?

listen to my heart and feel with my mind – to let them work as one unit instead of two…… to believe in the me that i am and recognize that i am good enough….as much as i choose to be my own worst enemy – i am just as capable of being my own best friend….

5.  Are you willing to deal with the fact that any intimate relationship worth pursuing will inevitably evoke the most negative aspects of both partners – and require both partners to heal their oldest wounds?

not only am i willing – but i’m able…. and luckily, i found that someone that makes me want to take off that damn suffocatin’ cork and break the bottle into a thousand chards of glass  –

I think i’m about ready to embark upon my Summer of Love…..starting Now. because Now is all we have….thank you Mr. Brezny…for askin. and thank you Mr. Blue Sky Eyes for believin’ – in me……now, it’s my turn….

Sharing Shine

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The day before we give Thanks….I am swimming in a nostalgic pool of emotions…I couldn’t possibly pinpoint just one….there are many…..so many I’m not quite sure why I am even blurbbing at this moment. You blurbb when you have something to say….however, i would rather say nothing….for now anyway….i’ll get to something a little later….but for now i need to float…

I use words wrong, or better yet I make them up. I conspiratize to theorisize. For as long as I can remember I’ve been using the word stifle in place of rifle. Instead of saying….”I’ll rifle through these papers..” I say…”I’ll stifle through these papers”….in fact, I wholeheartedly believe that the definition of rifle should be the definition of stifle. It’s a better fit. Sometimes things are just a better fit. and That’s ok. People can relearn definitions. Right? We have the capabilities to build 86 story buildings…you’d think we could at least relearn a definition….

Excuse my brain, it’s a mess…I am ziggzagging sideways and backwards from where I initially wanted to go with this. To help navigate me back on track I’m going to throw in an image that will assist me in ‘stifling’ through my thoughts and feelings…the goal is to actually get to my point sometime in the near future…

Addiction

Above is a picture of a pack of American Spirit Menthols. The clear round dot like things are condensation on the inside of the cellophane wrapper. I left them outside one evening and woke to the new weathered and rugged look they had taken on. They were ‘my’ brand. Yum. They were fun. They were comfortable. They were always there in good times and bad. They balanced my inner insanities.

As great as the Spirits were they used to rule me. Own me. I would give them my money like they were creditors. I was more loyal to them than my own family. I couldn’t stand to be separated, not even for a moment. I was passionate about my addiction. No other kind would suffice….I mean…Desperate actions call for…ya…that saying…

i quit six months ago tomorrow. I didn’t even realize that until it painted across my computer screen. So…ya…6 months. it’s good…not great…but good.

Not smoking, for me, hasn’t been as big of a struggle as I presumed it would. it’s been 10 years since i started…in 2002 i quit for 4 mos and fell quickly off the camel. I didn’t realize how mellow it could be~quitting that is..it’s all in the mentality. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t easy, it just wasn’t as gut wrenching as I had anticipated.

again…excuse the mess…..I believe now would be a great time to stop floating and resume swimming…..so..here goes…

 The basis of my nostalgia is that someone recently passed away that holds a special place in my heart. More than special….this is the part that has a lock attached…that not even i have a key for. The picture above signifies so much having to do with this person. Let’s just say there are more ways for me to interpret that picture than there are dots on the pack.

In his passing I have found myself dealing with feelings of regret which has led me to the conclusion that I need to tell our story. I need to work through my thoughts. I want to embrace who he is, was, and will be….in life,  death and everything in between. I want to remember. However, i’ll do that in a place that is as secure as my hearts lock-box. Where you can’t click on a link of the Internet and find some stranger blurbbing about their Outsides In. It’s our story. One that deserves, in the least, to be told in the flesh….if told at all, aloud anyway. I’ve only shared random pages up to this point. I never really knew how to tell the whole chapter.

My deepest regret is that I didn’t allow myself to process what made our story end. I just rode it out….lost myself for a few years…then finally found the road to re-discovery…which I’m still on, 10 years later, and will continue to be for the rest of my life……Only, now that I’ve started to process everything, it’s too late. At the same time, though, I question whether I would have ever figured it out without a tragedy involved. Nonetheless, it’s devastating. As all tragedies are.

So….this is for him….

 Dear Adam,

More than anything I regret not being your friend. For running. For forgetting.

You have a piece of my heart. Always.

Let me thank you first today….for being you. for living. i wish i could know you all over again.

 c-bear056

i wish…a lot of things. most of all i wish for you to find your smile…wherever you are.

I always loved your smile…i remember it well…and with that…i am remembering….you…

I took a class a couple years ago and on our ‘get to know each other out loud even though you will never remember one another’ day we were asked to name a fear.

My response was: Ticks. Yes, Ticks. The things that burrow into your skin and suck your blood. Potential Lyme Disease passers.

I know everything there is to know about ticks…pretty much anyway. I hate them. Hate is a strong word. I fucking hate them. I felt compelled to make it stronger.

I will never forget the first time my dog had a tick. Talk about overreaction. I had every dog book sprawled out on the floor and was going back and forth between them to gather info before gearing up for the removal process.

I am a very thorough and detail-oriented person. If it’s something new, I want to make sure I know all about it before diving in. I most certainly ain’t gonna jump into an empty pool. I need to cover the ‘What if’s’ and ‘How to’s’. I need to do it right, or find someone who can.

I trusted the written word and it failed me. It said to dab a bit of rubbing alcohol on the tick and it would back out. So I did…I waited for it to reverse. Nothing. In fact, nothing was happening at all. The legs stopped moving. Panic set in. There was no ‘what to do when legs don’t move’ chapter. At this point I’m pretty much running around the house screaming, “Oh Noes!!”…which didn’t do much….so I started screaming, “Oh Fuckin’ Noes!!!” (for accentuation purposes)…It worked. I remembered two magic words: Call Vet.

So, I called the vet. I got the vet assistant on the phone and told her my dilemma. Of course, I was frantically crying, I mean, of course…c’mon. I had her explain how to remove the tick. I made her wait on the line while I followed her directions. Problem was, I was so damn anxious I couldn’t stop shaking. I was told to grab it as close to the skin as possible with tweezers and twist in 360 degrees and it would just pop out.

Ok. Sounds simple. Ya. Sure. Try having the hairiest dog on the planet while your hands are shaking like a 9.3 earthquake and you have to grip a pair of tweezers with sweaty palms while turning them in a full circle. All while your dog is moving because he is wondering why the hell you are freaking out and telling him to be calm….he is calm…he just wanted you to scratch this irritating itch on his shoulder…and you are crying and shaking and screaming FUCK repeatedly in his ear….It just don’t work, simply anyway…

After about 5 minutes I was able to get a grip, literally. The little asshole popped right out. Head and all (cause you wanna get the head, you know…it’s the most important part….besides not squishing the blood everywhere…or making them regurgitate into the host by using a match or RUBBING ALCOHOL). The storm had passed. I am now a professional tick taker outer.

 Tick Hunter-The Apprentice

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 My girl, Carle, called me one day because she found a tick in her dog and needed a mentor. This photo was taken while we were phoning.

I told you I was a professional. However, this is not why I share this horrid experience. Rather, I wanted to talk about that thing worded Fear. I wanted to share an Overcoming. Just one for now. Maybe another some other now.

My’z whole life I’ve had a ‘thing’ about bugs. What is a ‘thing’? A ‘thing’ is an unexplainable somethin’ or nother that has infected me with the ‘ewww!!’ or ‘ahhhhhhhh!!’ factor…It’s made me run when I should walk. Stand when I should sit. Go inside when I should be outside.

It only took me about 500 words to get to where I’m going.

A few years back, I came to realize my nonsensical ways of thinking kept me from really seeing what was around me.

Camera in hand, I started, slowly, with the pretty bugs, making myself go out and find them. Instead of feeling like they always came to find me. My eyes entered an amazing world, A Bug’s Life, and I started to see how truly incredible they are.

I do have to admit, I still fucking hate ticks….and flies….and ear wigs….and mosquitoes…and any other kind that can give you a disease or kill you. All the other ones are all good tho…